The "wonderful" world of Kikz

One Moment More

2009-08-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

Hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've got to hold me and show me now

Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me

Tell me that someday you'll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe

So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving

Chicken Scratch

2009-05-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

I "graduated" from counselling today. My counsellor, Brian, told me today that he doesn't think i need to see him anymore. He ended our session by saying, "You're over him. Celebrate. Tie up the loose ends and go live your life, beautiful". I cried. Brian always gave me the copy of his notes which is nice to have cause it's good to look back on when you need to see your growth. He called it his chicken scratch cause it's near impossible to read. I thought it was intriguing. I TOLD YOU my come back would blow your minds!!

March 17 2009

Loss of sister (22 years old). Shawna (July 11/05)
– hiking accident
- Edenbrook/visit often

(Corinna was 15) (Gr.11)
- “made me who I am”
- “this is who I am now”
- still a best friend - she sang/piano (hymns)
- her own form of worship

Relapse
- break up in November (Nick) = felt abandoned
- infliction of bigger thing
- chose a place “over me” (U of A)
- trust issues = who to believe?

“When is my growth apparent to other people?”
Past – Shawna – resilient = grade 11 = wrote a poem

1)a lot of reflective writing
2)time for myself
3)soul searching/ability
- “my life” = get control back
4)saw silver lining = maturity
5)Shawna – free spirit = laugh
- more like her

Oldest sister (Trina) – some support [“wont release my soul to her”]
Dad (John) Mom (Rae Ann)

“Get over it but talk about it”
“Getting better”
- not sleeping so much
- learning to let things go = accept it
- choices

Support = Vanna – “same heart” = every day
- brother (Dusty)

“Don’t know how not to be strong”

Spiritual = “felt her touch my nose’
- always with me
- charms close to me/poems
- Shawna = peaceful/divine

Goal
Where is my leaning post?
1) music – Stampede Showband
2) spirituality – question
3) myself – “cockiness/strength”

April 14 2009
Dusty = “a good constant in my life”

Need to let go of anger/resentment towards Nick = betrayal wound
- karma VS forgiveness
- eye for an eye

Need some structure in my life
- school
- showband

Intuitive side of my life
[“living the life she left behind?”]
Shawna –
- “sing my heart out”
- “learn from her life/experiences”
- “learn from my own life/experiences”
- taught me self expression
- laugh more = life is short. “Do it how I will do it”

Nick –
- might be in love
- not let down my character
- hold my values
- stick up for myself
- not a lap dog
- fractured soul

ANGER
– what is it good for?
- Sae-la-ve
- not letting people in

“Carved into my heart”
- betrayal
- abandonment
- resentment

Eric
- 21
- god fathers son
- “Where’s Eric?”
- “Shut me out”
- no effort
- “lost what we had” = grief
- still apart = angry

[Sibling Group]
- life it not easy/fair
- world does not owe me anything
- stepping stone

May 19 2009

Less fragmented – less anger
- “put a lot of things to rest”

1) let go of anger/resentment = acceptance (i.e. Nick and Eric)
- “taught me who I didn’t want to be”
- Growing up – Shawna = forced me to grow up
2) glad to have this knowledge
3) ability to see a bigger picture
4) tie loose ends
- “easier when I’m not hurting”
- stay with what keeps me happy

Reclaimed/readjusted soul (put back together and complete)
- support – recognize I have a lot of people VS. not a victim (people respect me)
- shut off thinking and explore when I need to
- less angry
- learned my tendencies and how I feel about them
- give myself more credit/ reclaim my pride
- not hide away – music/ people who care about me = Shawna’s legacy
- Vanna’s friendship/ God Daughters
- prayers – “asking for guidance”
- recognizing what does come in difficult times/ characteristics I like about myself (i.e. human)
- group – think outside myself – big picture/normalization
- carrying Shawna in my heart and appreciating and holding her legacy in my heart

To become 100% again
- structure – future
- sense of stability = support – “feel firmly planted”
- find my writing
- find more things that make me happy
- healthy relationships (Dusty)

56 Days

2009-05-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

I promised myself that after Nick I would never be made a sacrifice ever again. Especially not for something less important than I was claimed to be. Though I know Dusty is travelling, I happen to feel a lot of the same things I did with Nick. I hear myself saying things like, "I'm everything when he's home but he's MIA now that he's not" - sound familiar? He's not Nick. Thank God for that. He's so great; he's actually invested in this relationship and actually gives a shit. I want him. All of him. Not just half of him, half the time (again, sound familiar?)

This temporary separation wouldn't be so hard for me if it hadn't happened so soon after dealing with making my come back from Nick. Because my issues with mine and Nick's break up are still fresh, I connect so many of these feelings to the ones Nick made me feel. They're only the same because I didn't get time to separate my mentality as I’m still trying to regain a sense of worth and trust back that Nick robbed from me.

The difference this time is I’m the sacrifice to travel instead of ridiculous unrealistic things like res and dodge ball. I’m proud of Dusty that travel is a big part of his life. It’s inspiring. However, the feeling still doesn't feel so hot. I know that Dusty cares about me -- he IS just traveling -- but never knowing where he is, what he's doing or when I’ll hear from him next is a reality I’m all too familiar with.

I'm invested and committed to him and to this relationship. I'm not about to tap out just because it's hard (once again, sound familiar?) We all know how impatient I am but we also know how easy it is for me to wait for something I want. I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT!! I will wait because I want to be what he comes home to, I want to be the thing that makes him smile, and I want to be his #1. Because he is worth it and he's what I want.

No matter the distance that separates us, we're still under the same sky.

56 days

Good-byes

2009-05-07T17:24:00.001-07:00

So here's my latest update:

I'm officially over EVERYTHING with this Nick bull shit. I've let go of the anger and resentment and i straight up don't care anymore - it happened, i'm over it and i've moved on. Woo!

With that being said, i've started seeing someone new. We've been together since the beginning of March and it's been really great. Dusty Anderson is my best friends (Vanna) brother. So when it comes to the Anderson family i withhold the title of Best Friend, Maid of Honor, God Mother, Auntie and Girlfriend. Confusing, right? But so great. Being with Dusty has been hard as i'm relearning a lot of things that became really skewed from my past relationship. I forgot what it felt like the be in a healthy relationship but wow, does it feel great!

We all know that Corinna's life just wouldn't be Corinna's life if it didn't have some stupid drama in it. Though i'm totally smitten and STOKED to be in a relationship with this amazing man, he just left for Europe for two months yesterday. Doesn't seem like a big deal, right? But it is! It seems like every time something great comes along, i have to say goodbye to it. I'm really sick of that. I'm proud of him and very happy for him that he's living his dream as traveling is a HUGE part of who he is but i wish it wasn't goodbye or "see ya later" to such a great thing. This, however, will be the ultimate test of our relationship and i can't even wait to see how much stronger it makes us as individuals and especially as a couple.

I told you my come back would blow your mind!
*Kz

Why Can't I Let Go?

2009-04-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writting nearly as much as i should be lately which makes me sad considering writing is usually my only release and my pen/paper/keyboard are my best friends. Maybe this is my problem. I guess i'm just sick of talking about it, thinking about it, dreaming about it, breathing it and living it. It consumes me and it's killing me. Why can't i let go? What am i still holding onto? I can't let go of something that never wanted me. I'm holding onto something that i don't even want anymore. I don't miss that life. I don't miss him. I'm glad to be out of it but WHY can't i just get over the resentment, anger, pain, spite, hurt, abandonment, betrayal? Is this how love works? Is this how my life is always going to be - full of blessings just waiting to be robbed from me? I'm trying so hard and every corner is another failed attempt or another relapse. When will i feel whole again? I'm left to ask one question... why me?

Why not me?

Presently

2009-03-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

Heyo! So i've been very vague in my last couple of enteries of what's REALLY going on in this crazy heart of mine so i decided that i'm going to write a good ol' fashion update. How exciting.

It's no secret that things have been balls for me lately. I'm still trying to shake this HORRIBLE break up, which includes letting go of anger, hurt, paid, resentment, the feeling of abandonment and the feeling of betrayal. Over all, it's not a very fun game. I've decided that i cannot do this on my own. A month ago i chose to get help. So i'm back at grief counselling cause believe it or not, i AM still grieving Nick. A lot of these issues connect back to Shawna, like my abandonment issues which makes it hard for me to trust people.

Lately, i haven't been letting peope in -- no wait, i haven't been letting ANYONE in. I just feel like i don't want people to know me like this (screwed up). But someone made it under my radar and he is quite different from everyone else. I hear all the time from people, "I'm here for you", "I'll never leave you" blah blah blah and at this point i flat out don't believe people anymore. The nice thing about this boy is, he didn't have to tell me those things. He just showed me. He wants me for me - baggage, damaged, screwed up and all. That says a lot about a person. And that person has turned my head and caught my attention. Right now, he's the only thing that makes me happy. He listens to me, he communicates to me, he considers my feelings, he plans me in his future further than the next week. It's nice and i like it here.

You know what else is nice? The idea of going back to school. I'm proud to say that i have officially applied for the Social Work diploma at Mount Royal College! As all of you know, i LOVE to help people (maybe too much) and this could be a really great start for me. Please keep me in your prayers that i get this -- i want it more then anything right now.

To wrap it up, i'll just leave it at this: I'm doing ok. I'm not great but i'm not miserable. Things ARE working out for me (for once) but it's still a struggle. It's been a slow journey and it's still an uphill climb but i know i'll make it up just fine. Just wait for my come-back, it'll blow your minds!!
xo

Serenade Me

2009-03-16T21:10:00.000-07:00

Someone who I really enjoy spending time with and makes me feel human wrote me this poem. For the first time in a long time, I smiled and felt something other than anger and pain.

“When I first met you that one day,
Instantly I had attraction coming your way.
Even though I didn’t see you for some time,
Surely that must have been some kind of crime.
The impression you made in the past,
Was so strong not a chance it wouldn’t last.
When we finally hung out and were reunited,
The spark between us was then ignited.
Each moment after that my feelings have grew,
Regardless of whatever we do.
Every text, every talk, every kiss,
Can’t tell you how much I cherish.
I will be there for you and always care,
If there is one thing you can count on it’s me being there.
I hope this all doesn’t seem too sappy,
Because all I know is you make me happy”

Dusty Anderson

Wrap Your Wings Around Me

2009-02-12T21:50:00.000-08:00

Mom,
Your holding me.. who's holding you?..

Twin Souls

2009-02-09T11:59:00.001-08:00

Last Thursday, Jackie and i stopped in a store called "Our Angels" in Marda Loop. We had been here once before in which we learned many things. The store is a centre for well being meaning it's a sanctuary for the heart/soul and well being (duh). They have things such as tea leaf readings, tarot cards, intuitive counseling, meditation circles, numerology etc. Jackie and i decided to try these prediction cards which are based on the type of animal you are at the time. Jakz drew the cat, meaning she is over dependant on people (SO true). And i drew the cardinal, meaning I'm confused in my spirituality (very true).

When Jakz and i returned this week, it was to only simply by a homemade herbal tea. We ended up drawing our animal cards again. This time, i drew a grouse meaning i need to dance and drum my sorrows away (which i had conveniently been doing that morning). Jakz drew the cat again. We were very freaked out as that can mean a lot of things. Needless to say, we were both in tears.

As we paid for the tea, the lady filled us in on some of the things that were going on during that day. She told us that Shirley was in and she does numerology readings and she is also a physic medium. Jakz and i glanced at each other from the corner of our eyes and without hesitation we both accepted that we do it right away.

We got to go in together which was comforting. Jackie's reading came up very accurate - creative, love to be in love, controls money well, smart etc. It was very cool. My reading was incredibly accurate as well - a lot of give and pull in my life as I'm a hippie when it comes to most things and a control freak when it comes to others, likes to know who things work, can't control money, a global person etc.
She then asked me if i had questions for her either regarding the numbers or anything else. I mentioned Shawna. After a moment of thought, she began to cry. And in an airy, sympathetic voice she said to me, "I'm so sorry". She hesitated for a moment or two before she was able to speak what was going through her head. She stumbled with her words and kept covering her mouth before she was able to say, "You wont want to hear this but... your her twin soul". I began to cry. Twin souls means were the same person. And that our journey together as twin souls started much before this life and will continue on for more. Intrigued by this information, i began to research the idea of "twin souls" and stumbled upon this, "Many twin flames have experienced the phenomena of 11's in birth dates, numerology, dates of meeting and such, and constantly receive the same 11:11 messages. I believe it can only be a symbol of the greater work that twin souls have been united on this earth to do."
Freaky thing about that is... Shawna died on July 11th. Coincidence? I think NOT!

Continuing on, after she read more into whatever it was she was seeing in her head she said to me, "You feel like your carrying more baggage then everyone else" and i replied, "All the time" she said, "It's because your living two lives. Your living yours and the one Shawna left behind". That explains everything.

You may be a skeptic so reading this may mean NOTHING to you but this is my sister.. my dead sister none the less. Shirley is a complete stranger and she knew everything. And EVERYTHING made sense. And this, meant EVERYTHING to me.

I Win

2009-01-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

You can't defeat me. I wont let you. I am so much better than this shrivlled pathetic person. I've always had my head on my shoulders, my shit together and my eyes straight ahead. I refuse to let you beat that out of me any longer. This is MY life and you can beat me until i'm black and blue but guess what? I will STILL defeat you. Because i chose to.
I'm sitting in Shawna's room and it's as if my rebelious bitch of a sister just whispered in my ear, "You can do it". And tonight, i am choosing to. I WILL prevail and i WILL win this battle. Because i've got something called hope and it's on my side. I'm shoveling my ass off the pavement, grabbing my big sister's hand and walking down that tunnel where the light shines so bright and taking what's mine. And happiness... is mine.
Sorry "rock bottom" but.. you lose.

Behind These Eyes

2009-01-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

Seems like just yesterday you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight and everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again i'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside but you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything - opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Someone Who..

2009-01-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me.
Someone who doesn't even know i exsist.
Someone who has shunned me out.
Someome who can't look past what's around him.
Someone who i call my best friend.
Someone who once told me he loved me too.
Someone who claimed that Radium was the happiest time of his life.
Someome who i can hardly bear to look at.
Someone who i'm starting to hate more and more each day.

Why did you have to fuck it up again?
I'm dangling over rock bottom.. which is worse then actually being there.. and all i want.. is you.

I Surrender

2009-01-19T21:42:00.000-08:00

I surrender to this feeling in my heart.
You showed me i'm not picked to fall in love.

The Effects of a Coma

2009-01-06T21:45:00.000-08:00

Wow, how badly i'm hurting. Where do i begin?

Mid-December i had viral phuemonia and on top of that also had influenze type A. This made me VERY ill. So ill that i was unconscious for 4 days. When i woke up, things weren't clicking in my head. And they have yet to. I have no emotional connection to anything anymore. Home doesn't feel like home, band doesn't feel like family, work is just a chore. Everything that i once had wrapped around my finger and in my pocket, has no sentimental value to me anymore. It's especially frustrating knowing that i'm normal but that i'm screwed in the head right now. Things just aren't clicking.
On top of that, remember when Nick and i broke up? It didn't phase me the way it should have. But rightfully so, i had been feeling that way for a while and i watched it slip through my fingers. However, when i came out of my coma thinking that we were still together and then facing reality that we were not messed me up SO good. It's definately phasing me now. In which way, i'm not sure. But i think about it around the clock, i miss my best friend, i miss the campanionship with HIM and i can't believe it's gone. Do i want it back? Would that just promote everything unhealthy that was growing in our relationship?
Also, when i woke up there was NO ONE around. No one contacted me for two days. It's shown me who my real friends are and it hurts me to see who isn't. Especially when i was so certain they were. I'm so passed this petty high school bull shit. I wish everyone else was too. My feelings are hurt that the immaturity was chosen over a potentially really great friendship. This is what your missing friends, eat your heart out.
Needless to say, since i've come out of my coma i've been sad all the time. I have felt no release from this joke. I can feel it physically in my heart and it's constantly haunting my head. It's my every day. It's now, apparently, my life. If i have to go through it and grieve it all then fine but get on with it cause i'm passed this feeling. I just want to smile. I just want to feel like Kikz.. inside.. out.. head.. and heart.

Chances

2008-12-16T09:56:00.000-08:00

I wish I knew, I wish I understood
How you felt; would you tell me if you could?
If it wasn't love, if it wasn't want
These are the things that taunt and haunt
Was it real? Was it true?
Which one of these people are the real you?
Did I ever know him? Did I feel his embrace?
Would I know him by name, fate or face?
The one who loved me and held me dear
Where loosing each other wasn't a fear
Where once we were equals and love conquered all
We defeat the odds and over came the fall
Where once we wanted each other and nothing else was cared
Our differences were extreme but it was love that we shared
With the understanding that things were to change
We had time to adjust and rearrange
I knew I wanted you and nothing else phased
It was only a matter of time before everything changed
I believed your exaggerations
Even, and especially, your fabrications
"I love you", "I'm in love with you", "love of my life"
Were these things you just said to ease the strife?
Could you handle the distance? Could you handle the bull?
Apparently not. Without me, your life is pretty dull
Sacrifices were made and I didn't think it would be me
It kills to know that we just aren't meant to be
I wanted so badly to be yours and you to be mine
But I’ve learned my lesson: it does hurt more the second time.

Corinna Demmers

My Heaving Heart is Full of Pain

2008-12-13T15:14:00.001-08:00

That feeling.. the one i tried so hard to ignore.. has surfaced and "FUCK" is all i have to say about it.
I didn't want to be here with you.. again. I didn't want the whole rollarcoaster of emotions and feelings - the tears, the regret, the hurt. I've been here before. I've felt this all before.
The best part about being without you was i knew it was for the best. How have a slowly slipped back into wanting it all back? But wanting it doesn't change it, does it? It just promotes the same unhealthiness and toxicity as before. Wanting you back is wanting everything that comes with you and the things that are attached to you are things i can't compete with. I'll never be as important to you as these other things are.
I wish i could bring you back to me. I wish so bad that that person is always around. Cause THAT person is the person i wanted for always. Where has my best friend gone?
I used to think you were the pathetic one. Now i look at myself and see i'm nothing.. without you.
Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall. But watching stars without you, my soul cried.

In My Head

2008-12-08T19:06:00.000-08:00

A couple things that just wont leave me alone..

"I started caring too much about things that gave me no return. Corinna gave me the return i didn't deserve and i wasn't willing to give it back."

"I became a guy i never wanted to be, and i couldn't take it. I've treated her so badly."

"I have to wait till my life changes again, when im at school to make sure that this summer wasn't just a break in the clouds of my fucked up mentality."

"Both her and i are in alot of pain, but we know that we can't just take away each other's pain until I figure stuff out, so that is what i'm trying to do."

"I know what i want my life to become now, but more importantly, i've discovered that my life contains more aspects than just having the career i want, its having amazing friends and being an amazing friend, its loving and letting someone love you back."

In My Heart

2008-12-08T13:40:00.000-08:00

This is the only way to explain exactly what is going on in this heart of mine. These mixed up emotions will be the death of me..

"Since then it's been a book you read in reverse, you understand less as the pages turn"

The Dash

2008-11-26T21:47:00.000-08:00

The Dash
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.

And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,

What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real

And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile

Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

Differences

2008-11-18T05:37:00.000-08:00

I'm upset because i agree with you. We are in different places in our lives.
I wanted a life with you.
You wanted the rez life.

You were crazy when you said that me wanting you was promoting an unhealthy relationship. I'd be jumping at the bit if someone put themselves on a silver platter the way i did for you, for me.

We're in different places in our relationship.
You're too immature to handle it.
I'm too needy to have it.

I'm not mad at you. I don't hate you. I'm just sad that it was you. Because you were too good.

The difference between you and i is, you think with your head.. i think with my heart..

Silence

2008-11-16T11:38:00.001-08:00

When the whole world fell silent. You were the only one still talking.
When you went silent. The rest of the world starred.

Watch Me Fly

2008-11-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

Tell me where
Where is it written
What it is I'm meant to be?
That i can't dare
To pick the fruit of every tree.

The more I live - the more I learn.
The more I learn - the more I realize the less I know.
Each step I take
Each page I turn
Each mile I travel only means the more I have to go.
Whats wrong with wanting more?
If you can fly - then soar!
With all there is - why settle for just a piece of sky?

Papa, I can hear you...
Papa, I can see you...
Papa, I can feel you...
Papa, watch me fly!

Never Again

2008-10-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

"Never again" meant never bitching out because your transitioning. Out of everyone in the world, i never thought you would be the one to abandon me. This shows so little on our friendship and how naive i was to think that it was so great. It's funny how precious and fantastic is was to me and in the end.. means nothing to you. If i knew this was how it was going to end, i would have never bothered. Cause loosing you is like loosing a lim. It's ok though, i will get over it. I've seen so many come and go.. except you were always the one who stuck around. What changed?
.. everything

MBC win $200000!!

2008-10-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

The next biggest thing. Get in line.

A Letter

2008-09-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

Dear __________,

You can't resent or judge me because of the changes i have made in my life. Yes, it's true that things are different then they used to be but i will not appologize for that. I am happy now. Don't you understand? Why can't you just support that? You don't have to like it, just support it the way you used to.
You don't make initiative. You can't throw it in my face that i don't especially when i DO and you ignore me. This is our friendship now because you chose to ignore the things i offered you. How are you liking it so far?
I miss you and will always love you.

Sincerely,
Kikz*

My Bitch Squad Besties

2008-08-29T18:23:00.001-07:00

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

Kissing You

2008-08-15T14:27:00.000-07:00

Pride can stand a thousand trials,
the strong will never fall
But watching stars without you,
my soul cried.
Heaving heart is full of pain,
oh, the aching.
'Cause I'm kissing you,
I'm kissing you.
Touch me deep, pure and true,
gift to me forever
'Cause I'm kissing you.
I'm kissing you.
Where are you now?
'Cause I'm kissing you.

I'm Keeping Ya

2008-08-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

"There's nothing we could say,
There's nothing we could do,
Cause i wouldn't be happier than i am right now
Just being here with you"
- Nick Blais

I don't know how this feeling is different from every other time and i can't explain what it is that is going on in this heart of mine. I just know that i can't not smile when i think of him or see him, i can't be in the same room as him and not kiss him, i can't live a day without hearing from him, i can't not tell him everything that has happened in my life and present day. I just know whatever is going on in my heart.. i want forever.. with no body else but this boy.

"Everything we have been through has only made us stronger. Together, we have grown. The things we have done, the things we have been through, the things that we share… I wouldn’t change for anything in the world. Because out of everything in the world, all I want is you."
- Corinna Demmers

Don't Be Afraid

2008-07-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Hey you, brown eyed girl
So small in such a big world
I look within you and see sadness threaded deep inside
Sadness so bottomless, you can’t try to hide
You’re always looking for answers instead of the truth
You’re still searching for you’re adolescence and your youth
You look in all the wrong places, searching high and low
Shedding and vomiting up your sorrow
You don’t take back what you said, everything you said was real
Taking it back would be like apologizing for allowing yourself to feel
All you want is approval, acceptance, love and pride
To be held, to be admired, to follow, to guide
I know you feel asphyxiated. And I know you’ve prayed
But you just have to wait…
“Corinna, don’t be afraid”.

Mine

2008-06-27T07:10:00.000-07:00

This is home..

A Choice

2008-06-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

This isn't to say that i am ok with what happened or have forgiven him for it. I am still completely damaged and resentful towards him. But in a spark of the moment when i saw the REAL Nick for the first time in months.. i knew that he needed help. And it was as if he was crying out for it. And in that moment, i had to make a desicion... i don't want an eye for an eye.

On His Plan for Your Mate

2008-05-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone;
to have a deep soul relationship with another,
to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God to a Christian says:
“No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content
with being loved by me.
to have an intensely personal and unique relationship
that I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another,
until you are united with me,
exclusive of anyone or anything else
exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning,
stop wishing,
and allow me to give you the most thrilling
plan existing.
One that you cannot imagine;
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
Don’t look around at the things others have gotten,
or that I have given them.
Don’t look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking off and away up to me
up to me,
or you’ll miss what I really want to show you.
And when you’re ready
I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than
any you would dream of.
You see,
until you’re ready
And until the one I have for you is ready
(I am working even this moment to have both
of you ready at the same time)
until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
and the life I have prepared for you,
you won’t be able to experience the love that
exemplifies your relationship with me,
and this is perfect love.
And dear one,
I want you to have this wonderful love
I want you to see in the flesh
a picture of your relationship with me,
and to enjoy materially and completely
the everlasting union of beauty and perfection,
and love that I offer you.
Know that I love you utterly.
Believe it and be satisfied.”

I'm Not That Girl

2008-05-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

Let him go. Put the idea on repeat in your head - "let him go".

I'm not sure what's worse, being told your not wanted or being told that he still loves you but his circumstances and insecurities don't allow you to be together.

"Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl"

Stress Ulcer

2008-05-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

Ok i have had a week now to calm the fuck down but now i'm in an UGLY part of this whole break-up rigimaroll. The part where you go back on everything you felt and said. The part where you don't care what has to happen, you just want it back. AND I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. I wan't to get over him by wanting to chop off all of his hair off. Anger seems like an easier way out then sadness. Except, i really don't want to be mad anymore. I am... but not at him.. at the situation itself. I'm also mad at myself. I've stressed and worried so much that i have managed to make myself physically ill. I officially have stress ulcers and they are NO fun. I can hardly function at times. Why am i stressing NOW? Good freaking question! I don't know. But it's not fun and it's not fair that i have to go through this and he doesn't go through squat.
I am always be break-upee. I have never been the break-uper. I don't know what it feels like to be relived to be out of a relationship.
I'm really not looking forward to Grandstand rehearsals where i have to see him. I'm not ready. I don't want to be put in a situation with him right now. I don't desire to be his friend.
I'm lucky in the way that i am not beating myself up about this considering everything i did was right thus i have no reason to beat myself up so i've got that as my bennefit but the situation is enough punishment already as it is. Knowing he is just working and chilling is enough punishment. Knowing this bennefits him is enough punishment. Knowing i get to deal with this heartach for God knows how long is enough punishment.

Victum? I think NOT!

2008-04-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

First of all, blow me.
Second, you wanted this -- NOT me. So stop acting like the victum when you were the inflicter. You know why you feel so shitty? Because you know what you did was WRONG and you deeply hurt someone. ME!

I CANNOT believe you turned out to be this guy. And you know what? I am not even upset anymore. I have simply accepted the fact that i mattered NONE to you and that everyTHING and everyONE else was more important then me. Hence why i KILLED myself trying to make you care in the tiniest bit. Being blown off and brushed aside became a norm with you. The signs were always there -- they have been since November. But i REFUSED to take them because i gave you the bennefit of the doubt. And you?.. you gave me NOTHING. I hope it eats you alive and you can't sleep at night knowing that you strung me along like a DOG -- No wait, a RAGGEDY ANNE DOLL, right? The only thing that i am upset about and even think about anymore is how you turned into the guy you NEVER wanted to be. A USER. A QUITTER. You let go of the easiest thing you had going for you, pal.

AS IF i owe you fucking ANYTHING but do me a favor? STOP ACTING LIKE THIS WAS MUTUAL AND TELL PEOPLE THE TRUTH - "i'm a big fat liar and a pathetic loser boyfriend who wouldn't commit to her because everything else in my life was waaaayyy more important than her. And trying was just too big of a burden. Plus, now that i am home for the summer, i don't have an excuse for neglecting her".

One day everyone will see that you are JUST like EVERYONE else.

A Cowardly Lion

2008-04-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

So SURPRISE SURPRISE, Corinna gets dumped again. So here's the low-down on my tragic heart break.
After being asked to wait on a break by my darling Nicohlas for 6 weeks while he finished off school, he has the nerve to come home and end our relationship because he "can't do this long distance thing again in September and there is on point in us staying together during the summer if it's just going to end when school starts again". Just so yall know, he didn't do "the long distance thing" -- I DID. I was the one who went up there all the time, I was the one who sent him care packages and parcels, I was the one to call and text and message, I was the one to shed the tears, I was the one who got lead on like a dog on a leash.
So that's pretty much all there is to it. He quit when things got sticky and hard and we wouldn't even TRY to make it work. If he really meant "I love you" then that would have been enough but i am just another notch in his belt.
I guess i am lucky though. This time, i don't have to make him out to be a bad guy to make myself feel better -- he made himself out to be a bad guy by being a pathetic coward.

But in the end.. i don't want an eye-for-an-eye. Because i am so much better than that. Because i am NOT a quitter. Because i don't tap out when things get scary. Because i don't give up when the waters are murky. Because i'm the stronger person.

Know that i loved you Nick and was ready to be your everything. I busted my ass for the past 9 months to make this work and i did it because of what i felt in my heart. Thanks for the times you gave me Nick. I don't regret them or the things that i felt. It hurts me to know that you couldn't even try for "us". I understand your reasonings but that doesn't make them good ones. I'm sorry that you are stuck in the middle of something you don't understand. You have a lot to figure out about yourself and i hope you take the time to do so just not at someone elses expense. A peice of advice: only when you stop loving yourself as much as you do will you learn to love someone else and put THEM first before everything else.. THAT, my friend, is love. Good luck.

Palahniuk

2008-04-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

I picked up another great Palanuik book today - Invisible Monsters.
In one chapter it reads about how this beautiful girl gets shot in the face and it rips off her entire jaw. When the investigator of the case searches her car for bone fragments, he discouvers that the bones have been carried off by birds. After being called a monster at the super market she returns to the hospital where she has a run in with a lady who she begins telling her story to. Since she does not have a jaw she can only write it. She is writting literally everything that happened - "birds ate my face", "i can't talk", "I have no career", "my finace left me". And brutaly the lady replies by saying THE SMARTEST THING EVER!! And i can't believe how much it scared me... how quickly it opened my eyes.

"When you understand," Brandy says, "that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan," Brandy says, "then we'll figure out who you're going to be."

End Chapter.

Horoscopes

2008-04-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

These are my weekend horoscopes. They made me giggle.

Your mind is drifting from the task at hand, which is fine -- but you should just cut your losses and explore your surroundings, rather than beat your head against a wall fruitlessly.

You know what you want -- so start talking it up among friends and coworkers. You may find hidden pockets of support and ought to be able to work up a plan that makes sense before much longer.

Turn inward a bit and figure out what you're really hoping for -- you may surprise yourself quite a bit! There's no need to take action today unless something is literally on fire, so relax.

Things to Think Long and Hard About

2008-04-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

I am learning a lot these days:
- "I love you" isn't a promise
- just becuase you are commited to something doesn't mean everyone else is
- people are going to let you down
- you're best friend can some times be you're worst enemy
- fighting is normal
- not everyone will support you and your decisions
- you will fail at some point in your life
- no matter how many tears you cry, it will not change things
- "good-bye" is more then just words
- pave your own paths, don't follow others
- not everyone knows how to deal with your baggage
- everyone had their own baggage
- people will surprise you in both good and bad ways
- changing your hair color/getting something pierced isn't going to change the situation at hand
- you don't always want to hear the things you know you need to
- living by catch phrases and tag-lines is usless
- everyone has issues and insecurities
- some times smiles mean nothing
- the only cure to a broken heart is a cuddle with your bestie
- gag reflexs react quickly when you are worked up
- the only boy you need in your life, is your daddy
- people don't always care if you're having a bad day
- your biggest supports are you're parents
- sometimes singing is the best medicine for a frown
- you can't always wait for people to open a door for you
- remember, when ever God closes a door some where he opens a window
- mommy knows best
- you're shower is you're garden of serenity
- at the end of the day, you did what you could
- the world owes you nothing
- time doesn't heal anything. Choosing to move on does
- old friends will re-enter your life but not all of them
- you can wait for a long time if your heart is in it
- people aren't always who you think
- one day, you will be ok
- God has a plan, trust it

Deaf

2008-04-06T20:51:00.000-07:00

I can't hear what my heart is saying anymore. It's too muffled by what every one else is saying:
- "Thats bull shit"
- "Wait it out"
- "He loves you"
- "He would have fought for it"
- "If he wanted you he would have.."
- "Just give him what he needs"

Hearing what every other person would do in my situation isn't helping me make my decision. It's just complicating things and putting me on a big emotional roller coaster. I appreciate everyone's advice but i can't listen to it anymore. I need to find out what i really feel and what i really should do for what's best for me. I'm going off of my feelings, no one elses. I'm going off of complete uncertanty because i am presently being ignored and put in the dark.

For all my readers, know that he really is a good guy. If you know me well enough to be reading this, you know that i wouldn't have fallen for him the way i did if he wasn't. So PLEASE, whatever i write - no matter how angry or upset, know that he treated me good and i fell for him because he made me feel special.

For Nick, (not that i am holding my breath for you to be reading this) know that none of this is written to hurt you. If you are reading this then perhaps you actually have the time to pick up your phone and acknowledge me. If you are reading this then know and understand why i feel to way i do. It's in your hands and it's not going to take much to turn it all around. I'm waiting.. for YOU -- remember that.

We Regret To Inform You

2008-03-31T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today I received my Grant MacEwan letter reading, "We regret to inform you...” I didn't need to read on. However, they regret to inform me that I wasn't quite good enough, that sorry you didn't quite make the cut, that you weren't quite what we had in mind. Later, I would read on and find out that they regret to inform me because I only "met the minimum requirement of the competitive audition". But yet, I still received 98% on my music theory/ear training exam. But we regret to inform you that you're just not good enough.

Life also regrets to inform me that I wasn't good enough to make Nick happy anymore. That, sorry you weren't quite a commitment or priority anymore, we regret to inform you that you just have to wait and ponder the idea of what he wants but it might not be you when your 6 weeks of waiting is up, we regret to inform you that you just weren't good enough for what he needed at that time and maybe, possibly…ever, we regret to inform you that after all of that, you are still blindly crazy head over heals for him.

Life also regrets to inform me that Shawna got denied three times from Interior Design but we regret to inform you that she isn't alive to help you work through this shitty feeling. That, sorry, but you weren't good enough to have that sort of support, we regret to inform you that you now involuntarily live this life.

We regret to inform you that you weren't good enough to succeed at something you desperately wanted and busted your ass to get.
We regret to inform you that you weren't good enough for Nick anymore and thus have to wait out the heartache for the next 2 months.
We regret to inform you that you weren't good enough to have your sister stick around to help you through these tough times.

We regret to inform you that your life just met the minimum requirement.

Waiting

2008-03-30T11:19:00.001-07:00

I will wait for you because i DO support you.

Pathetic - You or Me?

2008-03-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

It's no surprise that I am hurting. But i didn't think I would hurt this much. And I especially didn't think I would still be hurting a week and a half later. I keep falling back into chaos and allowing my heart to eat every ounce of happiness I may feel in my day.

It's so easy to be you, isn't it? You make these calls and then burry yourself in your work and hide from the heartache. You have NO idea what this BREAK feels like. You have no idea what it feels like to be on a BREAK. You're not feeling it, you're not doing this. This is something I am, once again, doing by myself. The purpose of a break is to think about what you need from your significant other to make things better. You're not doing that. I call you're bluff.

Nothing I can say is going to change how you feel or what you want but know that I was happy and I was there and ready to be EVERYTHING for you. Take it or leave it. You left it. Way to make me feel like I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. I always feel like i am waving up at you on pedestal.

I am trying so hard to stay neutral so that these next couple of weeks can just fly by and things will go back to normal. But you know what the worst part about waiting for you is? You hold the key to ever possibility for this relationship. I hack these few weeks out and you decide it's not worth it? So you just lead me on like a DOG for the last month and a half? THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT GO THROUGH YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU’RE ON A BREAK.

I miss you, I want everything back, I want you and only you... I love you. So in the end, I am still the pathetic one for wanting more then anything... to be your everything.

He tried to kiss me

2008-03-21T09:25:00.001-07:00

Last night my friend Kyle and i went out for a bit. He had a few drinks and he started getting really touchy and flirty with me. When this started, i knew it was time to leave because in my vulnerable-heart-broken-state i knew i would have fallen for something. So i grabbed my purse and coat and got up to leave and all of a sudden he became a useless little puppy dog on me -- he grabbed my hand and begged and pleaded me not to go and that i "owed him AT LEAST one dance". Awkwardly laughing and trying to pull away i explained to him that i had to go home. He got up and gave me a hug and whispered sweet advice about the STUPID situation going on in my life right now and it made me feel really good. I pulled away, turned to leave, he grabbed my hand, spun me around and went to KISS ME. I pulled away and gave him a what-the-fuck-was-that look and he replied with, "Sorry. I thought you were ready". Anger i replied, "You thought wrong. Way to respect whats going on in my life, Kyle". And i stormed out.

I have never been so disrespected in my entire life. I thought he was my friend. Little did i know he was just waiting for an opportunity to make a move on me.

Break

2008-03-17T14:25:00.001-07:00

I'm unwillingly taking a BREAK off of that kit-kat bar

Solo

2008-03-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

so·lo [soh-loh]
adjective, adverb, verb, noun
1. a musical composition or a passage or section in a musical composition written for performance by one singer or instrumentalist, with or without accompaniment: She sang a solo.
2. any performance, as a dance, by one person.
3. a flight in an airplane during which the pilot is unaccompanied by an instructor or other person: I'll be ready for my first solo next week.
4. a person who works, acts, or performs alone: He used to sing with a quartet, but now he's a solo.
5. a person who performs or accomplishes something without the usual equipment, tools, etc.

All Alone

2008-03-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

This whole audtion thing is starting to wear me out. I'm working my ass off ans stressing like no one's buisness. But things would be a hell of a lot easier if i had even the tiniest bit of support. Mr.Condon (of course) has been a HUGE supporter and Mr.Haydu has been the biggest. Without them.. i wouldn't be doing this. But being supported by my teachers isn't what i am looking for.
It doesn't help knowing i am going into this alone. But of course, Corinna helps everyone else when it's there time but when it's hers... she is always left standing alone. It's not like this is the first time it's happened to me. I should know by now that history repeats itself.

Yikes

2008-03-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

Ok so it's offical, i am freaking out.
My Theatre Arts Grant MacEwan audtion is in 6 days. Am i ready? I am trying to be.
My heart and head are in all the right places but i'm feel really discouraged.
Really, i want this.
I deserve it.

Give and Take

2008-03-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

I always give give give and you always take take take.
I put in this and that and you just take take take.
I drop everything and anything and you just take take take.
I make the effort and initiative and you just take take take.
I'm sick of playing your games.

<3<3

2008-02-14T13:13:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Birthday Shawna Rae

2008-02-08T10:05:00.000-08:00

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see;
if the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today
while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
and each time you think of me I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try and understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by my hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above
and that I had to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned and walked away a tear fell from my eye,
for all my life I always thought I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought just for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I'd miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at Home,
God looked at me and smiled and said, "Shawna, welcome Home."
He said, "This is eternity and all I have promised you,
today your life on earth is past but here it starts anew.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we are apart
for every time you think of me, I'm right there in your heart.

Six Happy Months

2008-02-05T09:03:00.000-08:00

It's mine and Nick's 6 month anniversary today!
I am really stoked to be celebrating this because past relationship history has hardly ever lead to this event. And the one time it did, was with someone i didn't want it with! But this time it's different cause this time i am truley and honestly HAPPY. There is no mask, there is no hiding, there are no lies, there are no strings. It's nothing but flat out HONEST happiness.
More then anything i am glad that this is being celebrated with Nick. I wouldn't want it with anyone else. Because you make me happy babe!
Happy Anniversary baby -- i'm so stoked it's us

Under My Umbrella ella ella

2008-02-01T16:40:00.000-08:00

It's offical.. i am addicted to my shower.
In my opinion, people use and abuse their showers -- get in and get out. Get in, rinse, wash, get out = 5 mins. My showers involve ME time = 30 - 45 mins.
It's the only place where i can escape the annoyances that surround me.
Here, i can sing and sing with the confidence that the tile makes my voice stronger.
Here, i can cry without anyone knowing cause my face is already read from the heat.
Here, i can talk to myself without looking like a fucking loon.
Here, i can pretend that i am someone other than myself.
Here, i can reflect on the things in my life. The door/curtain seperates me from whats going on outside of this shower.
Here, i can be me.

I'm gonna go shower.

Anger

2008-01-30T18:33:00.001-08:00

Back in gr.11 in Mrs.Bialiks English 20 class we were we given an assignment where we had to write about a life changing occurance that happened to us with the past 3 years. Having JUST lost Shawna of course i wrote about her. Maybe it was my way of reaching out?
I think it's funny that i haven't posted this sooner considering it's practically 3 years old. And it just so happens that it's my pride and joy. This was the first thing i had written (other than journal entries) since Shawna had died and it portrayed everything i was feeling at the time. To this day, this is the only piece of writting that i can read over and over and still clearly remember and feel those emotions. I'm proud of this piece because... it was me.. through and through. Oh and i totally got 100% on it!

You visit everyone in their dreams
telling them, "It's not as bad as it seems".
You take them in close and hold their hand
they understand, your in the promised land.
But you don't come visit me or hold me
like the sister you used to be.
They say there are no tears in heaven
does that mean, you don't miss me?
If you're angry with me, I don't understand
you're the one that left me to live in a different land.
You left the house angry, the reason I don't know why
but if you didn't want to be here, couldn't you have said good-bye?
You left me here, to grow up on my own
now, more then ever, I feel so alone.
No one knows and some don't even care
life to me is just one big nightmare.
So tell me Shawna, have I been bad?
That you can't and don't visit me, when I am sad?
I can't even feel you, your not even there
other people don't understand, but do you even care?
That's not being a sister, now I’m just alone
now; you’re just the sister that left me on my own.

Happy Birthday

2008-01-09T21:25:00.001-08:00

It frightens me that at 12:18am this morning i will be turning 18 years of age. As this seems to yet again be a step without Shawna.
Maybe it is just a birthday and in that case, whatever. But it's my 18th and thats huge to me. I know this would have been so exciting for Shawna and i know we would have rocked the house together.
First it was grad, now it's my 18th -- whats next? Graduating from Uni? College? Moving in with someone i love? Engagment? Marriage? Kids? More kids? This is just one of the many many steps i have to face without her. And this is only the second one. Call me a fool but this is how it is for me...

"Happy Birthday Goofy"

Just a Dream

2008-01-07T17:25:00.000-08:00

Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Learning

2007-12-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

After a while you learn that company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises.
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead.
Then you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn, that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth and you learn with every Goodbye..

Pathetic

2007-12-17T18:34:00.001-08:00

I try so hard to just be your friend. This is where i am glad that this is ALL i see in you. You don't try. You never have. And you wonder why you are alone in a big empty house all by yourself. You have never once even thought to step out of your life and took a look at yourself. Because you are niave to the fact that it's so messed up. But this is a safe zone for you, isn't it? Being completely miserable and heartless is your front, right? You don't realize/realized the good things you had in front of you. And you let them go, fly away, right from the comfort of your arms. You let them struggle and squirm without you -- but you liked that, didn't you? Cause it made you feel superior. Thats how everything in your life works. You have the power, you have the control. But you are still niave to the fact of how fucked up you are. You wonder why. You sit at home.. alone and wonder why. But you never get off your ass to go find the answers. Because the world OBVIOUSLY owes you something, right? Why should YOU go waste YOUR energy on finding something that makes YOU happy and something that YOU want? The world owes you something... God owes you something -- they can do your dirty work.
I used to admire you. And now i look at you and see nothing but a cold heart and an empty soul. And you wonder why i don't pity you? Cause your pathetic. And the people who still worship and idolize you they are even more pathetic. You haven't grown up. You are still a little boy. A little lost boy. I pray for you because thats all anyone can do for you. Because you don't recognize a good thing when it's staring you in the face. You don't know how to appreciate what is given to you. You can't appreciate the people who love you/loved you for who you are/were. You've made no progress in your life.
You wonder why i still resent you? Because you haven't learned.

December 12 2007

2007-12-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

December 12 2007
"Capricorn: It is time to accept things for what they are. An improved attitude will help to make your present situation much easier. There are some things you just cannot change, no matter how hard you try. It is time to admit this to yourself and move on."

Fucking GREAT. Boourns.

My bestie <3

2007-11-27T19:02:00.000-08:00

I love you Vanna Beans

Update

2007-11-25T18:22:00.000-08:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking.. maybe even too much.
Natasha was right when she said it sounds like i haven't been laughing much. When i thought about it i realized just how little i laugh anymore or smile for that matter.
I'm not unhappy. I'm just not doing anything that makes me happy. There isn't a whole heck of a lot that is going for me.
I love playing in the Midnight Blue Jazz band, especially cause i'm playing jazz and especially cause i'm playing bari but it's still not enough. I return to Stampede Band in January and i think i'm excited to go back. But is getting deckout out in my bibers and turtle neck sheild uniform complete with red boots that itch and tear my heels really worth it? Is full bum underwear, marching through horse shit and sporting a sunglasses burn my fortay? Maybe i miss belonging to something.
I miss performing and i miss burring myself in my music and my music projects (even theory and history). Nothing gives me more of a thrill then working my ass off on a number and then showing it to an audience. An applaud is enough of an award. This is where i start wondering.. do i really want to return to Stampede?
No field will treat me the way the stage does.
No "pressure cooker" will ever be as thrilling as a curtain call.
No frosh will ever get treated as shitty as a teachie will.
No pre-show excersize will ever make me feel the way "Motion picture" or "Hide and Seek" do.
No crazy amount of rehearsing (even the ones at 7:30am) will ever compare to tour -- it doesn't matter the location.
No show or concert or number or piece will ever EVER compare to Stampede week.
The pros and cons weigh themselves out and i don't know where to find my happiness or if either of them hold it anymore. I will leave things at that.
Another thing that has been on my mind can be narrowed down into one word: HONESTY. I'm not sure how honest people are being with me lately. There have been a few instances with certain people where i can easily call their bluff or question their loyalty, which i should, but i don't. It's not just lying/lied to me, it's AVOIDING to tell me things of importance. I'm not afraid to talk to them, there is just never an appropriate time to do so. Thus things are building up and tearing me apart. I've had no reason to lie to either of them and therefore i haven't so i'm feeling one-sided in our friendship. I can't continue justifying their actions anymore because i don't want to believe that they aren't being truthful. I'm hurting. I will leave things at that.
This is the part when i am just going to say whatever i want and i don't care.
- Your a bitch. You lied to me. I don't know if it's cause you didn't want to scare me away or because you wanted to sound less experienced then you really were but fact is you lied. What else have you lied about?
- You avoided to tell me about something that you know would be important to me. And yet you STILL haven't told me. I wouldn't have cared but now i DO care because you deliberately kept it from me. WAY TO GO!
- I feel completely unappreciated, unloved, unwanted, forgotten, useless, helpless, belittled and stupid. I owe you nothing as the world owes me nothing.
- People would kill to be in your shoes.
- Your being a bipolar bitch.
- Get your shit together cause your bugging me.

Aussie

2007-11-19T22:27:00.000-08:00

Aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie aussie

Steps to breaking a heart

2007-11-12T10:38:00.000-08:00

Step One: Insert knife into heart
Step Two: Twist knife to the right or left and do not stop till you hear several veins and arteries ripping and tearing
Step Three: Watch as person falls to their knees in agony and painfully and slowly die
Step Four: Repeat these steps until it stops hurting
Step Five: Don't ask when it will stop hurting -- it won’t.

Perseverance

2007-11-06T22:36:00.000-08:00

James 1: 2-5 reads
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

James 1:12 reads
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for YOU!!, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Romans 5:1-4 reads
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

The word “sufficient” means an “overwhelming provision.” God gives us what we need to deal with the problem—not to avoid it. God’s grace is His power/ability/provision given without merit. We receive His grace by our faith. Therefore, God’s provision is available to us —we can receive it and overcome the trial by using his faith.

Risks

2007-11-04T20:04:00.001-08:00

Haha ok so this was exactly EVERYTHING i wanted to say to Nick to initiate our relationship when we first started seeing eachother (back in the day). And i had read it over so many times i practically memorized it because i was very nervous to talk to him about it. I totally forgot i had even written it out and i just found it and it put the biggest smile on my face -- i love it!

Let’s take an instance where you really like this girl and you think she likes you too (at least you are hoping she does). But she is from Fernie BC and she is only here for the summer and she is moving back in a couple of days. So you make the best out of the time you have left with her. You spend a lot of time together and you love every moment of it. You have fun, you kiss, you hold but you dont fall.Or maybe you can fall, fall as hard as you like but you just know that she is gonig to be far away and it is diifuclut to fall for someone so hard when they cant catch you. Do you figure out what hurts less? Falling, and allowing yourself to fall? Or not letting it happen at all and always be wondering “what if”? Then you realize you are in too deep. And that it's not a matter of choosing what hurts less cause it's going to hurt regardless. It’s a matter of wanting to be with her, if that means long distance or whatever. And your not afraid to try it. But you can’t base your decision off of the amount of pain you are going to feel. But where do you draw the line? You are willing to take the risk – life is all about taking risks, trying new things, making your own dreams come true. So why not? There is never a moment of absolute certainty in life. There’s always some amount of doubt, no matter how small. If it’s meant to be it’ll work cause you’ll make it work cause you want it that bad. And in the end, if it doesn’t you can say you tried.

Why Me?

2007-10-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very discouraged and a little intimidated right now.
I am writing not to make anyone feel bad or pity me but this is my only release right now. So this is my warning.. i am writing this out of nothing but the tears pouring down my face and the sobbed words screaming from my mouth.. it may or may not make sense.

Why me? Why me? Why ME? Why ME? I frequently asked myself this same question shortly after Shawna passed. I grew mature enough to learn, why not me? What makes me different from anyone else? What would make me so special not for it to be me? My advice to anyone who looks for it is "God has a plan" -- funny, when it comes to advice i try to give myself, why don't i trust Gods plan? I believe he is the maker of fate and that the paths are chosen by someone much greater then myself but why does it have to hurt so much?

Why ME? Why was it apart of my plan for life to blow up in my face? I have had nothing but life poke and pry at me since i was 15 -- since Shawna was robbed from me -- and yet STILL i can't catch a break. No matter how good they seem, there is ALWAYS some challenge or some test behind it and i just can't take the amount of sadness i am feeling right now. God has blessed me with so much and they are things that i easily take granted but why me? Why does everything come with a bargain? HE CAN GIVE AND HE CAN TAKE AWAY.

I was so blessed when Nick came into my life -- for once i was actually happy and comfortable. I hadn't had a comfort zone in 2 years.. with him.. things just felt good. But of course, every fairy tale has it's dissonance, nothing can just be easy right? WHY ME? Why is it that after everything i have been through i can't just have ONE thing to be easy? And if i had the choice, which CLEARLY i don't, it would be for Nick to be here or me there where we can be together all the time.. not just every other weekend and holiday. Why ME? Intimidation, sadness, happiness, grief, anger, love, discouragement and fear seemed to ooze out of every part of me at some point this weekend. Intimidated by what i saw. Saddened by having to say goodbye. Happiness because it's mine. Grief because it's my life. Anger because i just want it to end. Love because that's where i am. Discouragement because it's not my life. Fear because i am so afraid of loosing him the way i did Shawna, Lauren, Terry, Vanna, my youth, my adolescence and my life. Why me?

The entire purpose of taking a year off after high school was to make money and do what I WANTED TO DO. But why am i working 2 jobs and neglecting my social life including my friends, my family, my music and myself? Not only have a just bought a car (2001 Grand AM GT FS) but i have bills to pay. So not only am i not making money, i am not doing what i want to do -- i don't want to be working to jobs, i don't want to be hermit who just works and sleeps, i don't want to be grieving my sister day in and day out, i don't want to be in a long distance relationship, i don't want to have to say good-bye to my best friend. I want to be making money so i can see the world like i had planed, i want my Independence to go where i want when i want, i want to see and have time to see the people i love (including myself), i want Shawna to be alive or i want to at least stop feeling guilty that she isn't, i want Nick all the time not just half, i want Vanna to take me with her, i want to sing and never stop, i want to put on my red boots and march around with a band i hate half the time but love the rest, i want to be Kikz.

Why did Shawna have to leave when i needed her the most? And just being in angel form isn't good enough. I need her now more then ever and all i want is her to be here to hold and to talk to you. Why did she have to leave? Why was it apart of her plan? Why was it apart of mine? Why was it apart of our families?
Why was Nick put in my life when he was just going to be taken away again and again? Every good-bye gets harder.. never easier. Why did the most amazing thing in my life have to come with a test and a bargain attached to it? Why is good-bye the catch phrase to my life?

Vanna and i have been through LITERALLY thick and thin together. Not only did she give me a beautiful God Daughter but also her amazing unconditional love. If there is one person who knows everything that is going on in my heart and my head.. it's Vanna because she is the one person who has it just as hard if not harder then me. I am so blessed. But she moves in 5 months to start her life with the love her life and her baby where she gets to start her family. No, it's not the end but it sure is another good-bye. And yet another blessing robbed from me.

Am i not good enough? Is happiness too much to ask for? I have so much to learn and it's times like these that i feel like i have made no growth at all.

Jesus,
Please release me of this pain if only for a second just so i can breath again, and feel again, and love again. I don't understand your teachings and the things you have planned for my life. I know it hurts and it sucks. But where are you? And why can't i feel you? Why do i feel like you are punishing me all the time? Am i really that niave? Am i really that weak? You have given me nothing to grow off of buy yet you are still my heavenly father whom i love unconditionally every day. But you leave me with no other option to ask, why me?

Why NOT me?

Hey Jude

2007-10-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

It sadens me that just because it isn't summer anymore that i have lost all sight of who i am. I am not saying that i am masking things or not being myself. But that hippie that wrote "Does Anybody Remember Laughter?" in August is who i am. That free-spirited livin'-life lovin'-the-affection livin-the-dream tree-hugger not-afraid-to-dance-to-no-music jesus-freak peace-and-love-addict is who i am. My life is NOTHING like that anymore and it actually really bothers me. So i am trying to get it all back. All these anx and tense feelings have to stop. I can't stress anything anymore especially when i know they aren't in my control. I just need to let loose again and stop caring so much about whats happening around me. If i don't.. who knows whats going to happen. I have to trust my hippie instinct and allow it all to happen..

It's All Happening..

Dont Foget, Love Heals

2007-10-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not her and i'm not about to fuck with your heart and head the way she did.
Please trust me.
I can't trust you when you are rubbing other girls in my face.
Is it that easy to be you?
I have fallen more in love with my computer, cell phone, clock and calender.
Time slips away but it doesn't fly by when you're not having fun.
Part of me wishes i didn't care so much, but would that make things better?
I pretty much want to vomit.
I'm still waiting.

Smilezzzz!

2007-10-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

Tell her

2007-10-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

Tell her how much you admire her.
When shes upset. Hold her tight.
Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
Play with her hair.
Pick her up.
Tickel her and wrestle with her.
Just talk to her.
Tell her jokes.
Bring her flowers just because.
Hold her hand and run.
Just hold her hand.
Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Tell her she looks beautiful.
Look into her eyes and smile.
Kiss her on the forehead.
Kiss her in the rain.
If you want to be with her.. tell her.

Matthew 11:25-30

2007-10-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

It's true, i still mourn.
And yes, i still cry.
Not allowing myself to do so would be like living a lie.
I'm still hurting. I don't think that is something that is just going to go away.
And i still think about her every minute of every day.
All i have is my faith and it's to God that i turn to when i am sad.
But he robbed me of a sister - i have every right to still be mad.
It's hard to practice faith when i am so angry at him.
But he is the decision maker of fate.
In the end, i can't win.
At the end of the day, he's all i've got
And i should be thankful for that because he has given me a lot.
My curses are my blessings. This is something i have learned.
But this is still a journey and there are pages still needing to be turned.
Will i ever grow up? Will i ever see?
Will my growth ever be apparent to anyone other than me?
I will keep pushing because thats the only thing i know to do
And who knows? Maybe one day when i have learned a little more, i will break through.
I need to remember one thing to help me push through my hurting..
Matthew eleven, twenty five to thiry.

In my heart.. forever and always

2007-09-27T19:28:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here with chills down my spine, the hair on the back of my neck standing on end, tears in my eyes and clutching my heart.

Have you ever grieved so much for someone else that it hurts? Have you ever been so proud of someone elses accomplishments that it makes you want to burst out in tears of joy?

My bestie, Bree has just moved to Tijuana New Mexico for 3 months to do a self mission. She is living in an orphanage called, "The Purple Palace". She is feeling homesick today and lonley because of the language barriar. Today she wrote me, "Theres a baby here, and her name is Bernice, and she is 2 months but she is premature, and she is only 4 - 5 pounds and is the size from my hand to my elbow. She is beautiful, and she is starting to respond to my kisses and voice. She is adorable, and each day i get to help her grow, and hold her, and teach her things like how to suck her fist haha. But i have faith that one day she will grow big and strong, she pretty much keeps me going". She has been gone for a week and i can already see a change and a growth in her beyond words. I am so proud of her.

My friend, Lauren just lost her step dad in August. It was tragic and completely devastating. I have been trying very hard to be a support for Lauren to lean on but it's wierd for me to be the witness instead of the victum but i know how to be understanding because i get it. Today she informed me that she was going down to Montana for the weekend with her family to see where her step dad died. I told her, "Maybe it will bring closure" and she responded with, "Who knows what it will bring?" -- she is very right. I told her i was sorry that she had to go through this and she said, "Well, we've been through a lot already.. why not one more, right?". I remember very well being in that angery possition in my grief. I wish i could suck her dry of her grief and pain and carry her burden along with my own but now... i know what it's like to be the observer and feel completely and utterly.. useless.

Bee Brain, i love you more then anything. Please be safe down there. Continue to grow and love because you can touch anyones life just like you did mine. Reach for the stars and spread your wings, butterfly. Sisters in Gods eyes.

Lauren, you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. You will grow.. i promise. Life doesn't always have answers but everything happens for a reason and only when we leave this earth do we learn the reasons WHY. You have such a beautiful heart and an amazing spirit. I cherish you so very much. I am always with you.

I love you both more then anything. You both are so strong. I hope you continue growing and learning from the cards God deals for you -- he has a plan and i hope you trust it. God bless. All the love in the world. In my heart.. forever and always.

Autumn Leaves Are Falling

2007-09-23T19:52:00.000-07:00

Lately i have been struggling a lot with my grief. I keep tripping on my sadness and landing on my face.
It's fall.. things are changing.. people are changing.. life is changing. Fall always seems to represent a deep sadness for me -- it represents so much in my life. I remember fall of 2005.. Shawna had just died and i was forced to go back to high school -- too soon -- and i remember feeling so sad to see another season start cause i knew.. this was now my life.. watching the seasons come and go, come and go and still have to live on without my sister. Fall is such an ugly season too.. everything is dying and that represents so much more sadness for me. I try to keep busy which, you know me.. i LOVE to do, but sometimes i find myself drifting off into space and thinking about her more then normal. I miss her..

Missing You <3

2007-09-13T18:37:00.000-07:00

This summer was the greatest thing that has happened to me. I haven't felt this happy since before Shawna died. I spent it with people who i consider my best friends. I haven't had this great of friends since gr.9. I was a total hippie and completely 100% spontanious. I became more confident and comfortable with myself and my body. I did things that i didn't even think i could EVER do. And damn rights i take pride in it.
The last month of summer i spent smitten over a boy. Who would have figured thats how it would have ended up? I spent late July/early August casually dating and figuring out what i wanted and who i wanted to be with. In a drunken state i invited my friend, Matt, to the bar and told him to bring his brother, Nick, (just for the hell of it) along. Through my blurred vision i slurred my drunken words together to form a conversation with Nick and thought to myself, "Wow. He is beautiful". The next day, in a sober/hung over condition i messaged him over facebook asking him if he would like together some time. Things progressed from there and August 5th, we went out for dinner. From that date i called off everything else with the other 2 guys i was casually seeing. It was a perfect date. For the next 29 days we spent 25 days together - watching movies, partying, going out, staying in, cuddling, holding, feeling, knowing, kissing and just being together. Of course my fairy tale has dissonance.. Nick is a 1st year U of A Theatre Design student. In case you don't know, U of A is in Edmonton and Corinna is in Calgary. So now i am in a long distance relationship.
We have been apart for 2 weeks now but we do everything we can to be together. He came home last weekend and i am hopefully heading up there next weekend. We talk over texting, facebook, phone, msn, skype - anything possible. It's not easy. In fact, i am struggling a lot with it. I have even lost sleep over it. I don't go through a day without thinking about him and what he's doing. It feels good to know that we are seeing eachother and are together but i still feel so out of touch with his life and thats the worst part. I trust him and i trust that this can work if we work hard at it. I am willing and ready. But right now.. it hurts.

When it hurts so bad,
why does it feel so good?
I wish this all made sense,
I wish I understood.
Not having you here with me is tearing me up inside,
but I can't stop thinking about you no matter how hard I try.

Liking you feels so right,
but at the same time,
knowing I can't have you keeps me awake at night.
I just want this to be simple,
I just want you here with me,
to look into your eyes,
be held in your arms...then I'd truly be happy.

Right now this distance between us is out of our control,
but I'm still hoping one day soon,
I'll get what I'm wishing for.

I miss you baby! Come home soon..

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2007-09-06T15:51:00.001-07:00

Risks

2007-08-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

Haha ok so this was exactly EVERYTHING i wanted to say to Nick to initiate our relationship when we first started seeing eachother (back in the day). And i had read it over so many times i practically memorized it. I totally forgot i had even written it out and i just found it and it put the biggest smile on my face -- i love it!

Let’s take an instance where you really like this girl and you think she likes you too (at least you are hoping she does). But she is from Fernie BC and she is only here for the summer and she is moving back in a couple of days. So you make the best out of the time you have left with her. You spend a lot of time together and you love every moment of it. You have fun, you kiss, you hold but you dont fall.Or maybe you can fall, fall as hard as you like but you just know that she is gonig to be far away and it is diifuclut to fall for someone so hard when they cant catch you. Do you figure out what hurts less? Falling, and allowing yourself to fall? Or not letting it happen at all and always be wondering “what if”? Then you realize you are in too deep. And that it's not a matter of choosing what hurts less cause it's going to hurt regardless. It’s a matter of wanting to be with her, if that means long distance or whatever. And your not afraid to try it. But you can’t base your decision off of the amount of pain you are going to feel. But where do you draw the line? You are willing to take the risk – life is all about taking risks, trying new things, making your own dreams come true. So why not? There is never a moment of absolute certainty in life. There’s always some amount of doubt, no matter how small. If it’s meant to be it’ll work cause you’ll make it work cause you want it that bad. And in the end, if it doesn’t you can say you tried.

Does Anybody Remember Laughter?

2007-08-03T01:17:00.000-07:00

It's a voice that says here I am and FUCK YOU if you can't understand me
And one of those people is gonna save the world
And that means that ROCK AND ROLL CAN SAVE THE WORLD -- all of us together.
What it all comes down to is that thing.
The Indefinable Thing, when people catch something from your music, the thing you put into it.
The buzz!
And like -- you saying you liked "Fever Dog".
That is the fucking buzz.

Act One, in which she pretends she doesn't care about him.
Act Two, in which he pretends he doesn't care and goes right for her.
Act Three, in which it all plays out the way she planned it. She'll eat him alive.

Do you have to be depressed to write a sad song?

Do you have to be in love to write a love song?

Is a song better if it really happened to you?

Like, "If You Say Nothing"

Where did you write that and how did it come about?

I work as hard or harder than anybody on that stage.

You know what I do - I connect.

I get people off.

I look for the guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off.

Actually, that you can print.

And yet, why do I always end up feeling like I'm a joke to you?

And you can tell Rolling Stone Magazine my last words were - "I'm on drugs"

Okay I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. This is better. Last words - "I dig music"... "I'm on drugs"

When and where does the real world occur?

I am really confused here. Fuck!

All these rules and all these sayings and nicknames.

You know -- you're too sweet for rock and roll.

Where do you get off? Where do you get "sweet?"

I'm not sweet.

I'm dark and mysterious and pissed-off and I could be very dangerous to all of you.

I'm not sweet, and you should know that about me!

I am The Enemy.

"That groupie?" She was a Band-Aid.

All she did was love your band.

And you all -- you used her, all of you.

You used her and threw her away.

She almost died last night, while you were with Bob Dylan.

You're always talking about the fans, the fans, the fans.

She was your biggest fan and you threw her away.

And if you can't see that, that's your biggest problem.

They don't even know what it is to be a fan!

To blindly love some silly piece of music

Or some band so much that it hurts.

It's all happening..

The Count Down Begins

2007-07-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

My kick ass summer has not stopped kicking ass and i have so much more to look forward to. This is te beginning of the count down to some really exciting stuff!

3 days till Matt, Kristina, Sean, Andrea, Mark, Ashley, Eric and i leave for BC
10 days till Mel's DCI party
11 days till Markapalooza
15 days till "Toast and Jam", "Taste of Calgary" and my "19th" birthday party
17 days till Medicine Hat
22 days till the surprise for Loni
24 days till Jesse Vanderland gets married
31 days till Loni gets married

Soon.. summer has to end..

Mid-West Tour & Stampede 2007

2007-06-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

So i am going to be falling off the face of the earth for about the next 20 days or so. Here is my life itinerary so yall can see where i am and what the hell i am doing. I highlighted everything in red that i am excited for and everything in blue that makes me so depressed i could eat a cow. Miss me!

Wednesday, June 27 *day 1*
1:00pm - depart Calgary

Thursday, June 28 *day 2*
9:00am - breakfast en route
2:00pm - lunch en route
7:00pm - arrive Sun Prairie, Wisconsin. Dinner
8:00pm - rehearsal
10:00pm - lights out

Friday, June 29 *day 3*
8:00am - breakfast
9:00am - rehearsal
12:00pm - lunch
1:00pm - rehearsal
4:30pm - depart for Dakota, Illinois
7:00pm - competition
8:17pm - band report to gate
8:22pm - band performance time
10:30pm - return to school, lights out

Saturday, June 30 *day 4*
8:00am - breakfast
9:00am - rehearsal
12:00pm - lunch
2:00pm - parade
? - rehearsal
5:00pm - dinner
6:15pm - depart for show in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin
8:27pm - band report to gate
8:32pm - band performance time
10:30pm - return to school, lights out

Sunday, July 1 *day 5*
7:30am - depart for University of Wisconsin
9:00am - arrive at University, breakfast
10:30am - depart for Chicago
12:00pm - arrive Chicago
1:30pm - arrive Ford Theatre to see the musical "Wicked"
6:00pm - dinner on own Downtown Chicago
9:00pm - depart for University of Wisconsin
10:00pm - arrive at University, lights out

Monday, July 2 *day 6*
8:15am - breakfast
9:00am - rehearsal
12:00pm - lunch
1:00pm - rehearsal
5:30pm - dinner
7:00pm - rehearsal
10:00pm - lights out

Tuesday, July 3 *day 7*
8:15am - breakfast
9:30am - rehearsal
12:00pm - lunch
3:00pm - depart for Racine, Wisconsin
5:00pm - dinner
7:00pm - show
9:00pm - depart for Calgary Exhibition and Stampede

Wednesday, July 4 *day 8*
9:00am - breakfast en route
12:00pm - lunch en route
8:00pm - dinner en route

Thursday, July 5 *day 9* (sneak-a-peak)
5:00am - arrive Calgary
10:00am - call time Stampede rehearsal
10:00am-10:30am - dressing rooms
10:30am-11:00am - warm up
11:00am-12:30pm - sattledome steps performace
12:30pm-1:00pm - boyce theatre
1:00pm-1:50pm - sattledome steps performace
2:00pm - 3:45 - grandstand
3:30pm-4:00pm - main gate performace
5:00pm-6:00pm - sattledome steps performace
6:15pm-7:00pm - boyce theatre
7:40pm-7:55pm - warm up
8:00pm-8:50pm - sattledome steps performace
8:55pm - grandstand

Friday, July 6 *day 1*
8:55am-11:00am - stampede parade
12:00pm-12:25pm - warm up
12:30pm-1:05pm - sattledome steps performace
1:12pm-1:24pm - rodeo
1:45pm-2:30pm - free time
7:40pm - choir warm up
8:00pm-8:05pm - chucks performace
8:10pm-8:35pm - warm up
8:40pm-9:30pm - sattledome steps performace
10:00pm-10:20pm - grandstand

Saturday, July 7 *day 2*
Day off in memory of Shawna Rae and gig with The Matt Blais Connection

Sunday, July 8 *day 3*
12:00pm-12:25pm - warm up
12:30pm-1:05pm - sattledome steps performace
1:12pm-1:24pm - rodeo
1:45pm-2:30pm - free time
3:00pm-6:00pm - rehearsal
7:00pm-7:35pm - warm up
7:40pm - choir warm up
8:00pm-8:05pm - chucks performace
8:10pm-8:35pm - warm up
8:40pm-9:30pm - sattledome steps performace
10:00pm-10:20pm - grandstand

Monday, July 9 *day 4*
8:00am-10:00am - premiers breakfast
12:00pm-12:25pm - warm up
12:30pm-1:05pm - sattledome steps performance
1:12pm-1:24pm - rodeo
1:45pm-2:30pm - free time
3:00pm-6:00pm - rehearsal
7:40pm - choir warm up
8:00pm-8:05pm - chucks performance
8:10pm-8:35pm - warm up
8:40pm-9:30pm - sattledome steps performance
10:00pm-10:20pm - grandstand
10:40pm-11:00pm - sattledome steps performance

Tuesday, July 10 *day 5*
8:00am-8:25am - warm up
8:30am-10:30am - sattledome steps performance
11:00am - lunch
12:00pm-12:25pm - warm up
12:30pm-1:05pm - sattledome steps performance
1:12pm-1:24pm - rodeo
1:45pm-2:30pm - free time
2:45pm-3:05pm - warm up
3:15pm - IN sattledome performance
3:45pm-4:30pm - free time
6:00pm - IN sattledome performace
7:40pm - choir warm up
8:00pm-8:05pm - chucks performance
8:10pm-8:35pm - warm up
8:40pm-9:30pm - sattledome steps performance
10:00pm-10:20pm - grandstand
10:40pm-11:00pm - sattledome steps performance

Wednesday, July 11 *day 6*
12:00pm-12:25pm -warm up
12:30pm-1:05pm - sattledome steps performance
1:12pm-1:24pm - rodeo
1:45pm-2:30pm - free time
4:30pm-5:00pm - mcmahon stadium
6:00pm-6:45pm - warm up
7:00pm? MACBDA Performance
7:40pm - choir warm up
8:00pm-8:05pm - chucks performance
8:10pm-8:35pm - warm up
8:40pm-9:30pm - sattledome steps performance
10:00pm-10:20pm - grandstand
10:40pm-11:00pm - sattledome steps performance

Thursday, July 12 *day 7*
12:00pm-12:25pm - warm up
12:30pm-1:05pm - sattledome steps performance
1:12pm-1:24pm - rodeo
1:45pm-6:30pm - free time
6:45pm-7:35pm - warm up
7:40pm - choir warm up
8:00pm-8:05pm - chucks performance
8:10pm-8:35pm - warm up
8:40pm-9:30pm - sattledome steps performance
10:00pm-10:20pm - grandstand
10:40pm-11:10pm - sattledome steps performance

Friday, July 13 *day 8*
9:00am-11:00am - max bell theatre
12:00pm-12:25pm - warm up
12:30pm-1:05pm - sattledome steps performance
1:12pm-1:24pm - rodeo
1:45pm-2:30pm - free time
3:00pm-6:00pm - max bell theatre
6:45pm-7:35pm - warm up
7:40pm - choir warm up
8:00pm-8:05pm - chucks performance
8:10pm-8:35pm - warm up
8:40pm-9:30pm - sattledome steps performance
10:00pm-10:20pm - grandstand

Saturday, July 14 *day 9*
9:00am-11:30am - max bell theatre
12:00pm-12:25pm - warm up
12:30pm-1:05pm - sattledome steps performance
1:12pm-1:24pm - rodeo
1:45pm-6:30pm - free time
6:45pm-7:35pm - warm up
7:40pm - choir warm up
8:00pm-8:05pm - chucks performance
8:10pm-8:35pm - warm up
8:40pm-9:30pm - sattledome steps performance
10:00pm-10:20pm - grandstand

Sunday, July 15 *day 10*
12:00pm-12:25pm - warm up
12:30pm-1:05pm - sattledome steps performance
1:12pm-1:24pm - rodeo
1:45pm-6:30pm - free time
6:45pm-7:35pm - warm up
7:40pm - choir warm up
8:00pm-8:05pm - chucks performance
8:10pm-8:35pm - warm up
8:40pm-9:30pm - sattledome steps performance
10:00pm-10:20pm - grandstand
10:30pm - pack up
DAY 10 PARTY - gettin' my drink on!!!

Bitch

2007-06-23T10:00:00.001-07:00

When i stand up for myself and my beliefs - i am a bitch.
When i stand up for those i love - i am a bitch.
When i speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things in my own way - i am a bitch.
Being a bitch means i wont compromise whats in my heart.
It means i live my life my way.
It means i wont allow anyone to step on me.
When i refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it - i am a bitch
The same thing happens when i take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid or when i act a little selfish.
It means i have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who i truly am and wont become anyone else's idea of what they think i "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
By God, i want what i want and there is nothing wrong with that.
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty i hold within me.
You wont succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and i am proud to bear it.

You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea

2007-06-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across a folder of old stories, entries and quips that i wrote 2 years ago, after Shawna died and it was weird for me cause i forgot most of them and i haven't felt those overwhelming feelings in a while. Here are a few i found:

My Broken Heart:
I was worried in the beginning when the RCMP reported Shawna and Josh as "missing persons" but i didn't think they would actually die. When i got to see her before they cremated her.. it really scared me. I was afriad to get close to her.. afriad i would wake her up.. i thought she was sleeping but after watching her chest not move for 10 minutes.. i knew she wasn't going to wake up. Sure enough.. that was my sister laying in a box.. helpless, innocent.. usless.. that's what hurt. When i first looked at her.. it hurt seeing how banged up she actually was. She had a black eye, light bruises, a scrape above her left eye brow, the entire left side of her head was one huge bruise and i'm pretty sure she broke her nose.. i never wanted to see her like that.. dead or alive. After staring at her for a good few minutes the words, "This is my dead sister" kept running through my head and it hit me that this WAS Shawna. Mom, Dad, Katelyn, Auntie Gae, Auntie Joyce and Uncle Ed left me alone with her for a while. I just said to her, "Your always going to be my oldest sister.. your just in angel form now. Shawna, all i ever wanted was for you to be proud of me and that's all i ask of you still.. please be proud of me. Everything i do.. i'm doing it for you.. please believe me. I love you always and forever". I stroked her face and kissed her.. she was so cold.. it scared me. Her skin.. didn't feel like skin.. that scared me even more. When i left, i looked back and i couldn't believe i was walking away from her.. i felt like i was walking away from myself.. without her.. i'm not complete.. i'm not Kikz without Shawna.. and that piece of me is sitting in a box waiting to get cremated. After looking at her for a while i realized that it wasn't Shawna.. i mean it was Shawna's face.. but that wasn't her. There was no sparkle, no spirit. What i saw was just what Shawna lived in and what people SAW her as.. not what they knew her as. And it hurt knowing that i wasn't kissing Shawna.. but just a dead frozen body. When we said our good-bye's Daddy broke down and grabbed Momma's hand and said, "We had no idea what we were doing but we did pretty good for our first time eh? We made an amazing daughter" and he just immediatly broke down. He stroked Shawna's face and said, "We'll see you on church on Saturday baby, we'll talk more then".. it broke my heart. When Auntie Joyce said good-bye she said, "Let me know how God's choir is".. i know Shawna is apart of it. I know she's in heaven and i know she's watching over me but i miss her and all i want is her to be proud of me.

I Miss...:
It's almost hard to believe that 2 weeks ago.. i was happy. I must admit i was saying about a month ago, "2005 was the best year ever" because i made AMAZING friends and experienced amazing things. (Though it wasn't 2005 yet, it was still my gr.10 school year) i lost my Grandad in November, my Uncle severd off 3 of his fingers in December and early January got in a car accident, my house was robbed on my birthday and now July 11th.. my oldest sister, my hero, my inspriation and my heart DIES. After the house was robbed my family was on a good streak for a while. There was some problems within my friends, i had my boy problems and some struggles in school but nothing huge.. i only lost 2 of my best friends.. that sucked. Happiness just seemed like it was too much to ask for. But i learned to live with it and i sucked it up. June rolled on in and i was so happy. It was summer, the band season hadn't started yet, i was with my friends practically everyday, i was with Terry every day, and i was having fun. I was happy and now.. i'm just broken.. i wan't my life back.. i want to be happy again.. i want to roll out of bed every morning and greet the day at a decent time instead of forcing myself out of bed at 3:00 in the afternoon and even then i don't get dressed till 7:00. I want to feel freedom instead of feeling lost and usless. I want to lay out in the sun and be happy i am alive instead of hearing myself tell people, "Yeah i'm ok.. i don't really want to be alive but i am ok". I want to be healthy. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to see something other than Shawna's dead frozen body when i close my eyes. I want to feel whole again. AND I WANT HER BACK. But happiness is just too much to ask for..

A Grieving Heart:
Don’t think I do not feel;
because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside
of grief, loss and fears.
Just because I do not cry now,
don’t think my heart’s not broken.
I keep inside the misery
of words not to be spoken.
Sometimes I smile or crack a joke,
so you won’t see the pain;
or notice how my hands will shake,
or how I’ve gone insane.
Each time I chance to think of her,
my heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone.
You will not see my thunder.

Growth.. it's funny how you don't feel or see it happen but when you look back you can smile at how far you have come. God, i'm sweet!

Cute

2007-06-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, this made me giggle

How the years have changed!

Walked The Stage... thank God

2007-06-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!

So as of May 31 2007 i am officially graduated from Bowness High School (thank God) as many of you already know. I promised most of you that i would send photos and let you know how it went. Instead of sending you all photos through e-mail i decided to put them all on my album for you too see every single one of them -http://s5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/Kikzmouse/Grad/My%20Grad%20Photos/
This was my busy grad day in a nut shell:

7:00am - wake up and get ready for the ceremony
8:00am - at the church in my line ready to parade into the auditorium for beggining of the ceremony (i was the 94th person out of 407 in the graduating class)
9:00am - ceremony starts and i begin having seriouse ADD - i was soooo bored. soon i got to perform (for the last time ) with the jazz band where i actually improvised a solo (thats a big deal for me).
10:15am - i get to walk the stage and accept my diploma. oh some girl tripped down the stairs while she walked the stage and i laughed my ass off. seeing her trip made my day.
11:15am - ceremony ends. take some photos. go home.
12:00pm - litterally RAN to the bank to take out money for booze for the after grad (i knew i would be spending a lot)
1:00pm - hair appointment
2:00pm - make up appointment
3:00pm - pick of flowers. it was perfect because we told the flower shop that my dress was a bronzy/coppery color so they put these copper swirls in them - looked amazing
4:30pm - Eric (my date) gets to see me - "the reveal"
5:00pm - everyone in my back yard getting photos done. it was hot and really bright out. i thought my eyes were going to fall out.
6:00pm - the banquet where i ate and got my groove on.
11:00pm - 3:00am - after grad where i got my drink on. it was weird, i was grinding with my friend Jason who was WASTED and he was dancing with his face in my stomach.. i walked away... thats how weird it was. it wigged me out
It was a really great day. I felt like a princess. It was the first milestone of my life.. it was exciting but scary. It was hard to do it without Shawna but i made it. And i would like to thank all of you for helping me through it. Also, i thank you all for being so great to me this past year. The talks, the memories, the laughs and the tears i have shared with all of you have been so great. The surprise e-mails, the pictures, the laughs, the updates, the visits and the quick "hellos" got me through this year - thank you so much.

Kikz*

Ready To Walk The Stage

2007-05-30T21:58:00.001-07:00

10:59pm 05.30.07

I graduate tomorrow... wow -- VERY surreal and also VERY scary. Scary because it's new, scary because it's an end of something familiar, scary because it's the beginning of something new and fresh, scary because i'm doing it alone. I've talked about this before in a previous post (wanting what i can't have) -- i am terrified to be taking this big step without Shawna.

Please watch over me Shawna.. i know you are.. but sometimes, i just want to feel you and be where you are...

Isebelle Hayley Anderson

2007-05-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that i am a happy Auntie. One of my besties, Vanna, just gave birth to a happy baby girl - Isabelle. Who happens to be my beautiful neice. I was lucky enough to be asked to be in the delivery room with Vanna while Bell would be born and i happily accepted. I got to witness a miracle and something so very precious and i'm so happy i was given the chance. It was a long 9 months of fear, smiles, tears, sadness, joy and finally happiness that will last forever with this small baby. I know Vanna will make it because now she has someone to give everything to and thats all she ever needed. Congrats darling, i'm so proud of you

Name: Isebelle Hayley Anderson

Parents of: Vanna Irene Anderson

Born: May 15 2007 2:38am

Where: The Foothills Hospital, Calgary, Alberta

Weight: 6 pounds 1 oz.

Height: 20 inches

Perfect...

Missing You

2007-05-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

My bestie is 20 years of age now and it sounds stupid but, he's growing up really fast. He is on the other side of the world, in Australia right now having the time of his life. I'm very proud of him. He left on the 2nd of May and will be returning on the 27th - right in time to be my grad date. It's only been a week but i miss him a lot. It's just like a cold hard smack across the face, where would i be without him? I'm so lucky to have such a special friendship with him. He's always in my heart. Always my #1. I love you Eric Condon - your my best friend!

Ready To Walk The Stage PART III

2007-04-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

Hair and make up can officially be checked off my list of things to do. I'm so close

Missing Out

2007-04-09T13:47:00.001-07:00

I missed out on something that could have been amazing and life changing. My parents robbed me of something that could have been so great and such an eye opener. This is something i will never get to experience the way they did.

How can you love something so much when you have never even met it?

This One Is For You

2007-04-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

Alright, this is for all of you who have the impression in your head that you know whats going on in my heart and my head just because you read my blog.

With the exception of my New Zealand pals, none of you have an excuse. I get the same response every time i write something new: "Are you ok? I just read your blog" or "So whats going on with _____? I just read your blog". If it's not stated in my blog whats going on or whats wrong then don't ask me. What is there to ask? Lets clearify just in case:

I know my sister will be watching me at grad but that doesn't make me miss her or mourn her any less.

No, i don't want to talk about it.

I REALLY like Tom.

Yes, it's seriouse.

No, i don't want to tell you about it.

I want to be thinner for my own personal reasons - shut up

No, i am not considering becoming bulimic or anorexic

Yes, i am ok with the person i am

And no, i don't need to have a heart-to-heart about it

I appreciate all of you being supportive and showing me you care and are there for me but your bugging me. Your being over protective and i don't need a mother hen or a gaurd dog looking after me. I'm a big girl so let me do the things that i want to do and am going to do reguardless of what you tell me. When i need you, i will come to you.

This part is important: I am a 17 years old. Please let me be 17. I can take care of myself, i don't need you as my babysitter.

Please get it out of your heads that i am unhappy 24-7 - i'm ok... really i am. And this is coming from my mouth so please just believe me, take it with a grain of salt and respect my wishes - let me be 17, whatever that may involve.

Not everything needs to be talked about...

How do you measure a year in the life?

2007-03-12T22:53:00.000-07:00

Today in musical theatre, Ms. G introduced us to our final song, "Seasons of Love". She sat us down to talk about what the song meant and how we think a life can be measured. She then asked us to think of a life changing moment we have experienced in our lives. However, as we went around the circle to tell our moment it didn't start off as a happy life changing moment, therefore everyone talked about their worst moment. People began talking about very personal things that made me feel very uncomfortable and i didn't think should be expressed in a 35 people atmosphere. It began with a girl who has been cancer free for 5 years, it then moved to being abused by a dad for 10 years, then moved to divorce and eventually moved to death. Eventually, everyone was talking about their encounters with death and crying. It began being a competition - who had the worst sob story, who had it the worst, who could shead the most tears. The class spoke and i listened. Taryn was sitting beside me and didn't share her story, nor did i. I refused to be put on a pedistal like that. (Not that this is important) Out of all the sob stories i heard, i knew Taryns would be the worst and i knew what was going through her head. No ones story could compare to loosing your mom to breast cancer on Christmas Day - NO ONE and there was full proof of this, sitting right beside me. I didn't understand what this activity was suppose to accomplish and i don't understand the connection this made with the song. If she wanted us to get in touch with our feelings, why did she choose the worst possible way to do it? There was no a dry face in that room, except for Taryn and i. It made me feel very cold and unkind. It's not that i don't care. It's just that people are so niave and i don't want to pitty someone who feels the need to flaunt their sob story - "oh look at me! I'm crying! My life sucks! Pitty me, plleeeeeeeeeeeaassssssse??". Maybe Ms. G didn't intend on this snowballing into a situation like that but she didn't intervene and thats what made me angry.

Life is not measured in tears or frowns. It's not measured in sob stories or simpathy. It's not measured in hate or anger. It's not measured in pain or hurt. It's measured in the growth you make when life hands you those obsticles.

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

Ready to walk the stage PART II

2007-02-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

This baby cost me $530.00 but it's one more step closer to being out of high school.

A Song

2007-01-26T13:52:00.000-08:00

So i was listening to my ultimate-fantastic Fergie CD and i came across a song that put everything in perspective for me - i needed to grow up.

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself instead of calamity Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself instead of calamity Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

Ready to walk the stage

2007-01-26T13:41:00.000-08:00

So who's ready to graduate? I sure am. As much as i love Bowness - i HATE the people in it. I can't wait to get on with the next step in my life. I want to do what i love to do. Bring it on class of 2007!!

Lessons Learned

2007-01-15T20:31:00.000-08:00

There's some things that I regret and some words I wish had gone unsaid. There were some starts that had some bitter endings. There's been some bad times I've been through and damage I cannot undo and some things I wish I could do all all over again. But it don't really matter becuase life gets that much harder and it makes you that much stronger. Some times they're just has to be pages turned and some bridges burned. But there were lessons learned. I have learned from every tear that had to fall from my eyes and everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night. Also, every change life has thrown me. I'm thankful, for every break in my heart and I'm grateful for every scar. Some times they're just has to be pages turned and some bridges burned because there were lessons learned. There's mistakes that I have made and some chances I just threw away. Also, some roads I never should've taken. There's been some signs I didn't seen and hearts that I hurt needlessly. There has been some wounds that I wish I could have one more chance to mend. But it don't make no difference because the past can't be rewritten. You get the life you're given. Some pages turned and some bridges burned. But there were lessons learned. All the things that break you are all the things that make you strong. You can't change the past cause it's gone and you just gotta move on because it's all lessons learned

Pee Ess

2007-01-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

It's time you grew up and became a woman. Stick up for yourself - your a pushover and everyone uses it against you. All i want is your happiness but your not trying hard. Get that through YOUR hear.

Happy Birthday

2007-01-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

For once in your life, it wasn't about it. Happy Birthday. Thanks.

Your living in a 2 feet tall town

2007-01-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while since i have written - oops. So here's my update:
Christmas was lame. New Years was even worse but i've learned somethings from the friends i have, a really hard Christmas, travelling, a new year etc. I don't want to live a life that involves criticizing everything that crosses my path because i don't need to break someone down to make myself feel better. I don't want to live a life that involves partying every single saturday because drinking is the only thing that makes me whole and feel better about myself. I've had enough of a reality check that i know that that's not what life is about. I don't want to live a life where i take my curse and grow angry from it instead of learning and growing from it. I choose this life away from you all. Because i am better than that. And so could you but you choose to live a life that is meaningless and pathetic. But me? I'm not that person anymore but you wouldn't know anything about that because it's not like your ever around. But this is the new me. Take a really hard look at it... notice anything different from the other one? Yeah it's this thing and it's called HAPPINESS!!! And believe it or not you could pursue it too. This is my wish for 2007. But it's not for me... it's for you: i wish that you find yourself and whats really important to you. I wish that you take off the mask and show the world who you really are. I wish you would stop lying to yourself and to others and just accept who you really are. I wish for you happiness and that you find it and you can share it with the most beautiful creature you have in your heart. I wish for you to treat her better then you treated me and that you don't let her go. When all this is done i wish that you realize just how lucky you are. All this... could be yours.

To My Future Husband

2006-12-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Christopher Tuplin,
Good thing 5 years ago we decided to be with eachother always because after seeing your show tonight i am just going to state that I AM THE LUCKIEST GIRL ALIVE!!! And eff all you bitches who got him after me - suckers!!!!! I pretty love you more then pickles and ketchup. So lets go to Brazil and get lost in a rain forest so you can propose to me asap. MARRY ME.
Love your wife,
Corinna Tuplin

A STUPID Monologe that i HAVE to do UGH

2006-12-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

As humans we are not taught how to deal with death. We are not born into this world knowing how to cope with scary situations such as these. We are taught of happiness, sunshine, rainbows, and love before we are taught of hate, murder, crime and death. And only when we experience the awful things do we learn to cope becuase we have to. Just as i had to when my time came to learn how to deal. I often wonder what it would have been like if i could have mentally and emotionally prepared myself for my sister's death. Perhaps i would be stronger. "I can't go on anymore. I shall die right here". "Just let me rest a little, i beg of you". My poor heart didn't know how else to deal with what was happening so i built a wall around it, not knowing any better. Perhaps if i had of listened to my heart better i would have heard it yelling out, "Courage!". In reality, that's all i needed. Not strength, not hope, not faith. This would all come later, but right now it was just the courage to hold on to what i knew. My family, myself and God. But "Where is merciful God?". Where was he when he took my sister away? Where was he when he let several innocent people suffer to the end of their pitiful rope? Where was he when rape, murder, crime and dishonesty was tearing our world apart? "For God's Sake, where is God?". Again, this answer would come to me and several others when we were mature enough to know. We all learn throughout our entire lives - it's inabitable. Somewhere it was written down that i had to suffer through my grief in order to learn the things i know today. Just as the families of soldiers who were lost in which ever war did, the innocent jews tortured and beaten during the halocaust, the people who drowned from the sinking of Titanic, the people who still suffer from 9-11, the bits and peices of familes who didn't surivive Hurricane Katrina, the man on the corner of 12th and 9th, the old lady you see every day on the bus ride to school, the person sitting next to you in your English 30-1 class, me and you. But yet we still shy away from people who have experienced these things. Perhaps we're intimiadated but put yourself in my shoes. Your living life as a 15 year old when all of a sudden you are told you will never see your sister again and at your most depserate cry out for help, no one is there to help because they, "don't know what to say", "they don't know what to do", didn't know how to deal, how to act, how to cope. I stood in complete silence and neglect from the world for a year and still i feel like someone is standing behinding me plugging my ears because no one knows how to fill in that silence and that gap and i'm left on my own to try to cope, understand and figure it out - BY MYSELF!! While the rest of the world kept their mouths shut i was left to live with grief as my best friend for the rest of my life. You sit there and listen me talk today because you have to. Because we were given an assignment that includes all of us listening to each othere's work but are the chances that you would sit down with me and ask how my day was going? What are the chances you would talk to me about it if i replied by saying, "I just miss my sister"? What are the chances you would notice a puffy red face and you know they were crying but you don't ask why? What are the chances you would stop and give that person a tissue? What are the chances you would take the time out of your busy life to make sure a grieving heart was doing ok? Would you pick up the phone? What are the chances you would know when that person needed a hug or to here your voice? Would you recongnize that time in that persons life? 40,000 people die every day in this world. Sh! Listen. Did you hear that? What are the chances you heard a heart breaking? What are the chances you heard absolutly silence? What are the chances you heard an innocent life end? Silence... just filled this room.

Re: Where the hell are you?

2006-11-27T18:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Father,

I get it, ok? I understand that you sacrafised your life for the better of man-kind and all that jazz but what makes you so special? You take away my sister and you expect me not to be mad at you? I also understand that there is a reason for everything but what was the reasoning behind me having to loose my best friend? 'Cause i thought that was in your hands and what did it end up teaching me? That i am strong? Ok cool but i thought i knew that already from when you blindly robbed me of my sister. Or what about the time you teased me with really good times with fun people and then made them choose sides and i don't get spoken to but instead, get spoken about? What were you teaching me then?

Your suppose to be my father? Well right now, as a father figure... YOU SUCK!!! You don't through curve balls.. you friggen throw... watermellons - i can't dodge watermellons!! You throw things that are impossible to dodge on purpose. Well i don't understand your purpose for them and i'm pissed off. Give me a break ok? Where does it say in your perfect little idea of my life that it has to be a shit-show? Can we please skip to the chapter entittled "Happy" because i would rather just skip this lonely and depressed shit ok? I've have had enough of this DAD. You want to help me? Start by being a father. Thanks.

Love,
(Your daugher) Corinna